I have been trying and striving, pushing and fighting. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to win. I have gotten lost.
I want to be happy. I want to write, I want to raise my family, I want to have my house, my life, the way I want. I know exactly how it looks. I know "how to get there." I make the plans, I work the plans, I try so hard. But nothing seems to work.
My writing is going nowhere. I haven't been able to finish the latest book because I don't have time to write, market, promote, and do it all while working a full time job. Advertising was a waste of money. Another failed experiment of "how to get there."
My kids aren't happy. It is a constant tug of war. We don't ever seem to have any good times anymore... although, to be fair, I don't remember us having good times. I remember me trying to make good times, that always ended in fights, fatigue, and emptiness. I don't have the energy for that anymore.
My marriage is a farce. I have to fight for everything I want in the relationship, and have become the nagging wife I hate. But I cannot do it all. I want to be wanted, not fight for five minutes of attention. Why spend all that energy, when it isn't being returned? Most days I feel like we are just roommates who share a bed. Sometimes I feel like we are friends, but I cannot remember the last time I felt deeply and passionately loved. I now know why romance books sell like crazy.
I don't expect life to be perfect on all fronts at any time, but I never thought it would fail on all fronts at the same time either. How long can I keep failing before something has to give?
Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I making myself unhappy with those expectations? I don't feel like I am asking too much. I don't need to be a millionaire or the next J.K. Rowling, I just want to do what I love, and be able to support my family on that. I don't need the newest anything, the nicest anything, I would be content to have the family enjoy a hike, or go swimming together and have fun. I don't need to be wined and dined, I just want to be wanted.
I don't know how to get where I need to be. I have done all the goal charts, all the planning, counselling, therapy, family bonding, everything I am "supposed to do." But I cannot keep pushing myself so hard. I keep getting sick. I keep getting slapped in the face with failure and rejection. I cannot keep keeping on. What do I do?
Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?