Is This What a Midlife Crisis Feels Like?

I have been trying and striving, pushing and fighting. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to win. I have gotten lost.

I want to be happy. I want to write, I want to raise my family, I want to have my house, my life, the way I want. I know exactly how it looks. I know "how to get there."  I make the plans, I work the plans, I try so hard. But nothing seems to work.

My writing is going nowhere. I haven't been able to finish the latest book because I don't have time to write, market, promote, and do it all while working a full time job. Advertising was a waste of money. Another failed experiment of "how to get there."

My kids aren't happy. It is a constant tug of war. We don't ever seem to have any good times anymore... although, to be fair, I don't remember us having good times. I remember me trying to make good times, that always ended in fights, fatigue, and emptiness. I don't have the energy for that anymore.

My marriage is a farce. I have to fight for everything I want in the relationship, and have become the nagging wife I hate. But I cannot do it all. I want to be wanted, not fight for five minutes of attention. Why spend all that energy, when it isn't being returned? Most days I feel like we are just roommates who share a bed. Sometimes I feel like we are friends, but I cannot remember the last time I felt deeply and passionately loved. I now know why romance books sell like crazy.

I don't expect life to be perfect on all fronts at any time, but I never thought it would fail on all fronts at the same time either. How long can I keep failing before something has to give?

Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I making myself unhappy with those expectations? I don't feel like I am asking too much. I don't need to be a millionaire or the next J.K. Rowling, I just want to do what I love, and be able to support my family on that. I don't need the newest anything, the nicest anything, I would be content to have the family enjoy a hike, or go swimming together and have fun. I don't need to be wined and dined, I just want to be wanted.

I don't know how to get where I need to be. I have done all the goal charts, all the planning, counselling, therapy, family bonding, everything I am "supposed to do." But I cannot keep pushing myself so hard. I keep getting sick. I keep getting slapped in the face with failure and rejection. I cannot keep keeping on. What do I do?

Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

Wacky Watching: Vampire Diaries series Season 1

I know, I am way too old, and way too mature to get into the Vampire Diaries. I read the books back during the Twilight craze with coworkers. I liked Twilight better, and the tag line of my book The Hunters is "If you believe that vampires should be killed, not kissed, then this is the book for you." so that is saying a lot.

I am more of a Buffy fan, but she ended up kissing vampires too, so....

I have to say, I honestly don't know why I started watching Vampire Diaries. I will blame it on the delusional fever as I have been out sick all week, and I think it was recommended after I finished mainlining Walking Dead in preparation for the new season.

Whatever the cause, here I am inexplicably watching the series. Well, playing it in the background while trying to do other things. I honestly like the TV series for more than I liked the books. I couldn't stand Elaina. She came across in the books as a vapid and obnoxious creature. The TV series makes her more of an every girl, even though she is obviously a part of the popular crowd. They did a great job of playing up her new depth because of her parents' death, and they played down the bizarre and creepy threesome action between the two brothers. Love triangles are bad enough, without them being brothers.

Although it has been years since I read the books, I feel like the TV series is a very different story. For fans of the books, I am sure that is an intense disappointment. For me, it was great. But it is still an annoying kiss-the-vampires story. I am not Jonesing for the next episode like I did with Supernatural. Yet, still it is playing in the background even now. I don't know why.

Anyone else get this weird deja vu of Rob Lowe whenever we catch brooding shots of Damon?

Book Review:The Gate: Journey to the New World by M. W. Smith

Genre: Young Adult, Urban Fantasy

Synopsis: The Gate: Journey to the New World is an exciting tale of two best friends, separated by a fated journey. As the two young girls are wrenched apart, one is thrown into another world, while the other is left alone in reality. 
Evanley tumbles through nothingness, only to be pitted against teens her age, a tyrannical leader, and a collection of monsters that will stretch your imagination. Meanwhile, in the real world, Jadelyn finds herself bewildered and alone, something she fears more than anything. She is forced to face a violent, daunting change in her heart, mind, and soul that leans toward a darkness she has never experienced before. 

My Thoughts: This is an amazing and inventive story. Evanley and Jadelyn are such complete opposites, fighting through teenage struggles and the fantasy backdrop allows the author to address troubles that are common to teenage hormones. Not the typical sappy crap that you see in books about teen girls, but the real deep struggles of coping with hormones and being awkward, and trying to find who you are through the pressures of society. The fact that the author artfully addresses these issues through a unique urban fantasy backdrop allows them to feel more real. 

There are a few plot holes, though given that the book is clearly set up for a sequel, I am not sure how many of them will be addressed in the next books. 

The only downside was the final editing. There were a lot of errors, which for this Grammar Nazi was a bit of a nightmare, but the story was so compelling and the characters so relatable, that I continued reading, despite the errors. M.W. Smith is a brilliant storyteller and I hope that he gets a great editor to clean up the final edit. I eagerly look forward to reading the next installment. 

My Apologies

So much for that whole intentional blogging thing, huh? I really am still working on that, but had a few... minor crises come up.

My full-time job has been demanding much more of my time.

The kiddos are back in school full-swing, and guess who is on homework duty?

My son decided to get around being grounded from his computer by re-opping my password-protected computer... and thereby deleting 71 files of hard work, four of which are major projects that are/ were due. Talk about scrambling!

And due to unexpected health problems, I am back on medication that leaves me less than my ever-productive, multitasking queen-self.

I read an article once that only 2% of people can multitask well. That thing that once made me special is gone for now.

On top of that, I find that I am struggling not only to get the same amount of work done, but to be able to work as long as I normally do. Which is a really tough spot to be in when you just lost 71 files and need to make up a bunch of work.

But I shall make a concerted effort to keep blogging intentionally.

Until next time,

Keep Reading!

Book Review: Look Me In The Eyes by John Elder Robison

 Genre: Memoir

Synopsis: The author writes about his life with Aspergers, before there was a commonly held diagnosis. John is the older brother of Augustun Burroughs, the author of Running with Scissors. He talks about his early years, how he sees the world and how the world saw him. His success and his failures, and how he believes Aspergers contributed to both in different ways.

My thoughts: This was assigned reading to help me understand my son, who has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum, probably Aspergers. One of the things I struggled with was the portrayal of the parents. I'll be honest, I have not read Running with Scissors and know little to nothing about it other than vaguely remembering the trailer for the movie. As a mother with a child with Aspergers, I have often felt like I was going crazy. After we moved (before he was diagnosed) we were in between insurance which meant no counselling or medication. For a time I was isolated (no extended family nearby, no friends, working from home.) and the primary caregiver. For that first six months, I might have become very unhinged.

And I knew that my child was special needs. I had the long-distance support of family, I had the internet. Still, I worried that my child was a sociopath. I felt like he was doing things intentionally to bully me (and after reading the book, I'm not entirely convinced he wasn't.) If I had been living in the same time and had the little support system that their mother had, I am not sure I could have held onto my sanity.

An interesting perspective.

If you enjoy Sheldon from The Big Bang, then you will probably enjoy this memoir, but for someone living with a loved one with Aspergers there were many moments I had to laugh simply to keep from crying.

Wacky Wednesday- Rewatching Supernatural

I know, how in the world do I have time to watch TV? Mostly it plays in the background while I am writing, editing, supervising homework, folding clothes... etc. Sometimes it plays while I am pretending to do one of the above... busted.

I have been re-watching Supernatural as we recently got Netflicks and I realized that there are three whole seasons I have not seen!!! What?!?

I went back to the beginning, and I am already on season 4. This show is like crack!

But why do I enjoy it so much?
Not just because of the eye candy.

I love the snark, the campyness, the beautiful way that it makes fun of itself, embraces horror culture, pokes fun at us nerds, and even classics that I love. But there is more.

I love this show because it reminds me of my brother. Sure, we grew up without a dad, not a mom. But mom was on her quest to get an education and it was my job to look out for my kid brother.

The way Dean and Sam fight with each other, the conflicting emotions about their family, the way they would die for each other, sacrifice for each other. That is me and my brother. Or at least it was.

Normal everyday life has come between us. Moving halfway across the country has come between us. I miss the days when it was us against the world.

Love you little bro. Miss you.

What is this blog about?

Hello Lovelies,

I have been having a crazy summer. (Hence the few posts, so sorry.) As part of trying to get everything back on track, I joined Jeff Goin's Intentional Blog seminar. It is something I often struggle with on this blog. Trying to decide what this blog is all about. I started it to share my writing adventures, my self-publishing adventures, and my work. The problem with that is that it takes a long time to write a book, especially when you are a wife, a mother of two rambunctious boys, working a full time job, and you feel like your being torn a thousand different directions. I don't want to post only every six months, but I also don't want to blog every single bit of  my work in progress....

So, I needed guidance to provide regular posts, without becoming a personal blog, and still leaving me time to write my books.

Those of you who have been with me from the beginning (thanks mom and Meggers) know that I have tried several times to blog more intentionally over the last several years, but I have found that difficult. I often bite off more than I can chew.

Here we go again, with an effort to be more intentional. This blog will continue to be, as it always has been, a place where I will share my work, post book reviews, invite guest authors to post, and focus on the writing world. But I am also going to make it a bit more personal. (As if my poetry wasn't personal enough for you, right?)

I will share more of the entertainment I enjoy, the joys and frustrations of being a working mother, the latest and greatest family hits, and my secret fears and insecurities.

(I know, I have insecurities? No way!)

In a nutshell, this blog is going to be the way I view this wonky world we live in.

Hope you enjoy!!

Oh, and check out my new About Me Page, with a poem I did to find my blogging voice.

Don't forget to subscribe and

Until next time,

Keep reading, writing, and loving life!